A friend of mine asked about my feelings. I had to respond by giving a long warning, but acknowledgement I was willing to share it with them.
It made me think about it:What do people mean when they ask,"How are you feeling?"
Physically? well, that's simple and straightforward, and thanks for inquiring about my health.
Mentally? I don't know about other people, but I really don't feel "cognitively", so I don't know how to answer this. I suppose it could mean,"What's your state of mind?" But I wish people would just ask that if they really want to know. I mean, have you ever answered the feeling question with,"Angst ridden" "Guilty" "Ashamed" or anything like that? I promise you'll get an odd look and be able to chuckle as the person tries to flee.
Emotionally? Maybe some people can reasonably answer this with honesty. See, my emotions are all put into a vault, with a small drain to let them ooze out slowly in ways that I can hopefully deal with them reasonably. Thus, the most honest answer for me is: I don't really know.
I don't think anyone REALLY wants anything deeper than this. It's dark in here, and I try not to look around too much.
If you think you really want to know, and you're my friend, I will tell you. I just hope you're still my friend by the time it's all out there.
Friday, June 15, 2012
Thursday, June 14, 2012
Thank God for there being rocks in my child's head.
When I filled out the hospital ER admittance card last night, the problem I wrote down first was this. "My daughter has rocks in her head". I scratched out head and replaced it with "ears", but I think I was right the first time.
It's funny how things happen, though. One of my daughter's teachers was there with her husband, who was obviously in pain. With them was their 5 year old daughter, Summer. Any parent who has been in this position, at the hospital, spouse in need of attention, with child in tow, is aware of just how hard this is.
My daughter and I moved to be closer to Summer when we saw that the mom was really working to get her husband help. My daughter spent time entertaining the child with a puzzle book. My wife met us there, and it was my wife that went back with my daughter. (It's a girl thing, I'm just Dad. lol)
So, I volunteered to sit in the waiting room with this child. She was a sweetheart. I got her some crackers, she declined soda as her mom won't let her have it. We discussed the fact she was a vampire("You know, just like Edward."). lol It was about 2 hours before Grandma came and took her home. (We have to go to an ENT today to get the last rock out of my child's head... er... ear.)
The mom kept saying,"Thanks so much, I will repay you." I still wonder this: repay me for what? Getting to enjoy some time with your awesome little girl? Nah. Getting the "warm fuzzies" for being able to help another parent in a tough time? No. It was worth every second. I'm just so thankful we could be there to help, and I'd do it again in a heartbeat.
It's funny how things happen, though. One of my daughter's teachers was there with her husband, who was obviously in pain. With them was their 5 year old daughter, Summer. Any parent who has been in this position, at the hospital, spouse in need of attention, with child in tow, is aware of just how hard this is.
My daughter and I moved to be closer to Summer when we saw that the mom was really working to get her husband help. My daughter spent time entertaining the child with a puzzle book. My wife met us there, and it was my wife that went back with my daughter. (It's a girl thing, I'm just Dad. lol)
So, I volunteered to sit in the waiting room with this child. She was a sweetheart. I got her some crackers, she declined soda as her mom won't let her have it. We discussed the fact she was a vampire("You know, just like Edward."). lol It was about 2 hours before Grandma came and took her home. (We have to go to an ENT today to get the last rock out of my child's head... er... ear.)
The mom kept saying,"Thanks so much, I will repay you." I still wonder this: repay me for what? Getting to enjoy some time with your awesome little girl? Nah. Getting the "warm fuzzies" for being able to help another parent in a tough time? No. It was worth every second. I'm just so thankful we could be there to help, and I'd do it again in a heartbeat.
Sunday, June 10, 2012
So sleepy today. ick.
Yesterday, I apparently left the keys in the ignition of the truck, turned to accessory, so when my dad came by to take the kids to church, well, no such luck. The older boys stayed home. Me and the wife wandered to a little country diner that's nearby. Nothing special. You could taste "food lion" all over it, and since they're paying higher for the food, the prices were Old Country Buffet level. (8 dollar cheese omelet? I don't think so.)
We had a perky stick girl for a waitress. She was nice.
I sat here with the wife until she had to go to work. Updating, whatever. Nothing special. She feels that so long as we're in the same room we're spending "quality time" together. Sometimes, though, I'm just not sure if it's what it ought to be.
Well, I'll stick around online for a while longer, then go play Fallout New Vegas for awhile. The fact that this is so dull is a good thing, right? lol
Til later.
Yesterday, I apparently left the keys in the ignition of the truck, turned to accessory, so when my dad came by to take the kids to church, well, no such luck. The older boys stayed home. Me and the wife wandered to a little country diner that's nearby. Nothing special. You could taste "food lion" all over it, and since they're paying higher for the food, the prices were Old Country Buffet level. (8 dollar cheese omelet? I don't think so.)
We had a perky stick girl for a waitress. She was nice.
I sat here with the wife until she had to go to work. Updating, whatever. Nothing special. She feels that so long as we're in the same room we're spending "quality time" together. Sometimes, though, I'm just not sure if it's what it ought to be.
Well, I'll stick around online for a while longer, then go play Fallout New Vegas for awhile. The fact that this is so dull is a good thing, right? lol
Til later.
Saturday, June 9, 2012
Just a day.
Hmm. Hurt my shoulder a couple of days ago. Nothing serious, but it sounded like broken glass in the joint day before yesterday. Rested hard yesterday, and returned to some duties today. Let the kids pretty much do as they will, so the 7 year old has been getting a touch wild. I gotta have my shoulder whole, thugh, soooo...?
Ah well. Been missing some friends, just hoping they're ok.
I got this pos laptop to run Fallout new vegas, but it was overheating, so I ran to best buy today and got some air to clean it and a new cooling pad. Talked to a really decent sort of guy from HP, who was pretty straight up about things. He might not know jack, but it was nice to speak to another human being.
I guess that's the key to my little wish for socializing. My wife? I don't wnt to upset or bore her to tears, so much of my conversational choices are out. My dad? God's great and all, but it's hard to be explorative with philosophy with someone who hits a wall and believes"we see through a glass darkly".
My 16 year old? He's so wrapped up in teenage angst and drama that I don't feel I can go to him with stuff.
If only the cats would communicate more. They listen, at least, to no matter what I say. lol
Picked up Year Zero (again) by NIN today. 18 dollars. What happened to the days of the 12 dollar cd? Anyway, good cd, but I'm worried for Trent. Politics and religion are not things I really want him stuck in. I want the old,"The world sucks and here's how I feel about it". But oh well. I like the new soundgarden track, but I have been feeling a touch distant from them and Nirvana and Metallica.
OH! Saw a new Counting Crows cd!(Really!?) lol. Maybe next I'll come across a new Stabbing Westward. lol Had a nice talk with "Serena" at Barnes and Noble about piercings. There's some place on Leigh St called... something 13 or something. I duuno. I think the piercer is Jason. I might go see him.
GOD! I have wanted to mutilate today. I scraped a knife on my forearm by accident(well, at first) and the feeling... I thought I'd lose it. I didn't cut or anything, so yay me. (Although I think if I had seen an xacto at Wal-mart, I'd ahve bought it. You know, just in case...)
Back on meds, trying to keep up with them. It sucks. Feel so freaking dead inside. Meh.
But anyway. Still living. That's a plus, or so I'm told. I'm here for the family, and it's enough. (Still, sometimes I have some happy thoughts, but they're not obsessions, just moments.) So, the nonsense continues. :D
Ah well. Been missing some friends, just hoping they're ok.
I got this pos laptop to run Fallout new vegas, but it was overheating, so I ran to best buy today and got some air to clean it and a new cooling pad. Talked to a really decent sort of guy from HP, who was pretty straight up about things. He might not know jack, but it was nice to speak to another human being.
I guess that's the key to my little wish for socializing. My wife? I don't wnt to upset or bore her to tears, so much of my conversational choices are out. My dad? God's great and all, but it's hard to be explorative with philosophy with someone who hits a wall and believes"we see through a glass darkly".
My 16 year old? He's so wrapped up in teenage angst and drama that I don't feel I can go to him with stuff.
If only the cats would communicate more. They listen, at least, to no matter what I say. lol
Picked up Year Zero (again) by NIN today. 18 dollars. What happened to the days of the 12 dollar cd? Anyway, good cd, but I'm worried for Trent. Politics and religion are not things I really want him stuck in. I want the old,"The world sucks and here's how I feel about it". But oh well. I like the new soundgarden track, but I have been feeling a touch distant from them and Nirvana and Metallica.
OH! Saw a new Counting Crows cd!(Really!?) lol. Maybe next I'll come across a new Stabbing Westward. lol Had a nice talk with "Serena" at Barnes and Noble about piercings. There's some place on Leigh St called... something 13 or something. I duuno. I think the piercer is Jason. I might go see him.
GOD! I have wanted to mutilate today. I scraped a knife on my forearm by accident(well, at first) and the feeling... I thought I'd lose it. I didn't cut or anything, so yay me. (Although I think if I had seen an xacto at Wal-mart, I'd ahve bought it. You know, just in case...)
Back on meds, trying to keep up with them. It sucks. Feel so freaking dead inside. Meh.
But anyway. Still living. That's a plus, or so I'm told. I'm here for the family, and it's enough. (Still, sometimes I have some happy thoughts, but they're not obsessions, just moments.) So, the nonsense continues. :D
Wednesday, June 6, 2012
Shit
I can only be as honest as I am allowed. I can only show my love as far as is not upsetting. Ah well. Maybe I'll abandon this, as well. Maybe I'll keep coming back and posting nonsense. Life is what it is, and the only escape would destroy too many. I'm here, I suppose that's what matters.
(edit: I got better. lol)
(edit: I got better. lol)
Sunday, June 3, 2012
6/3/2012-First post
Well, here I am. This is not my first blogging attempt, and may not be my last.
Who am I? Well, my profile is floating around somewhere, so that's who I am in real life.
How do I define myself? Well, I am me. I exist. Not because I think, but because I choose to believe I exist. I am the person I want to be and will be them. I am honest, brutally. I love, because I want to. I trust, because I deserve trust. I am me and no one else. I am a father, a lover, a friend.
I have my issues, don't let my fancy talk fool you. I'm on disability for being crazy. I'm diagnosed with Bipolar 1 with psychotic features. It's the terrifying way to say I see and hear shit that isn't there. It's usually just sort of weird. I try to laugh about it.
My wife is a great woman. She accepted me even with my shoe full of children. (Old woman who lived in a shoe reference) She tolerates my insanity, and I try to please her. I think she'd be happier if I did more housework, but she is usually ok, if I get her to not look at the house too much. lol
I will try to be reasonable on here, and try to post frequently, but it may be another 3 posts and bored. I'll try to do better, though. If you read, I'll write, and I'll try to be honest and interesting. :)
Who am I? Well, my profile is floating around somewhere, so that's who I am in real life.
How do I define myself? Well, I am me. I exist. Not because I think, but because I choose to believe I exist. I am the person I want to be and will be them. I am honest, brutally. I love, because I want to. I trust, because I deserve trust. I am me and no one else. I am a father, a lover, a friend.
I have my issues, don't let my fancy talk fool you. I'm on disability for being crazy. I'm diagnosed with Bipolar 1 with psychotic features. It's the terrifying way to say I see and hear shit that isn't there. It's usually just sort of weird. I try to laugh about it.
My wife is a great woman. She accepted me even with my shoe full of children. (Old woman who lived in a shoe reference) She tolerates my insanity, and I try to please her. I think she'd be happier if I did more housework, but she is usually ok, if I get her to not look at the house too much. lol
I will try to be reasonable on here, and try to post frequently, but it may be another 3 posts and bored. I'll try to do better, though. If you read, I'll write, and I'll try to be honest and interesting. :)
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